by James Alexander-Sinclair
...if you want the satisfaction (and smell) of a bit of real muck, then here are some of your options...
I have just ordered a whopping great pile of manure. A couple of weeks ago we finished cutting everything back and hunting down any perennial weeds that were hiding beneath the plants in readiness for mulching: had it not snowed we would have already completed the operation.
Under the mulch I like to scatter something with a bit more ooomph: mulch is very good for the soil but the plants could do with some sort of fertiliser as well. I usually use blood, fish and bone which gives a good balanced feed (it is better to put it under the mulch as I have discovered from experience that it you do not then the dogs eat it with very unfortunate consequences). I have also used pelleted chicken manure and straightforward bonemeal: all of these come in useful plastic buckets and are not nearly as smelly as their names suggest.
However, if you want the satisfaction (and smell) of a bit of real muck then, if you can get hold of it, here are some of your options - aside from the obvious horse and cow manure.
Legend has it that the best grape vines should be planted on top of the buried corpse of a horse (or a sheep if you are short of horses). Fruit trees grow well if a dead chicken is included in the hole. Hamsters, guinea pigs and budgies will also work well.
Native Americans used to place small fish in planting holes and you can get the same effect by burying fish scraps in trenches before planting.
Pigeon manure is among the richest of manures and was particularly popular in Persia where they kept pigeon houses especially to gather the droppings (not, as in Europe, to eat the birds). In dry countries other types of manure are used as fuel.
Pig manure has to be about the smelliest option but provides plenty of humus. It is better in light, sandy soils.
Leather scraps will release nitrogen into the soil very, very slowly.
Spent mushroom compost consists of horse manure and straw and is a very useful soil conditioner. You will also get an unexpected crop of mushrooms for a few weeks after application.
Urine (whether belonging to animals or Bob Flowerdew) is best added to a compost heap.
Rabbit droppings are a bit rich for direct application (and lack much in the way of bulk) but make a really good liquid feed if steeped in a bucket of water.
If you have a dark cave (or are friends with a vampire) then bat droppings are not bad at all. Incidentally bat guano looks very similar to mouse droppings. You can easily tell the difference, though, as bat poo crumbles easily (consisting as it does of digested insect corpses) while the mouse equivalent is squishier.
There are also vegetarian options like seaweed, leaf mould, wood ash, shoddy (wool waste) and pretty well anything that is organic. Just make sure that whatever you use is well rotted.
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