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The Man U store is now selling an improved version of its Man U themed computer mouse. The scroll wheel has been speeded up to help you find their position in the table much faster.


The UK Government are currently recruiting for a newly formed cyber unit to help defend our national security.

Starting rate is 60,000 Rupees a year, with bonuses available if you can pull off a Geordie accent


Chicken goes to the library and gets out 10 books. The next day it comes back with them and takes out 10 more. This goes on for 2 weeks. One day the librarian decides to follow the chicken. She ends up at the farm where it lives and follows it to the pond. The chicken is handing each book to a frog sitting at the edge. She hides behind a tree watching and sees the chicken handing another book to him.

The frog says 'Reddit'... and the chicken hands him the next one....


Liked that FG.


I've been looking for this thread - one of my favourites 




Afties Tina 


Ms beehaven

Thought THIS thread was for GARDENING JOKES!

Your last 3, funny as they are, don't belong, so please send along (without deleting from here, as they still have to be seen and groaned at!) to the thread 'Worst Jokes', I think it's called, as this caters for crap jokes of every denomination except 'gardening'! Please realise that this directive does not come from the GW admin, but from a sad little lady who was born to scousers and can recognise, appreciate and love a joke, and ask for many more, whilst never being able to remember one, or tell it if she could, without giving away the punchline first! I think I missed one j,ene,Jean, jeans gean, oh, one of them thingies that deleted my sense of humour as known to modern ma-per-wo-thin- You know what I mean, bugger off over there, I might 'get it' better in the right context!

Sue, yours stand up, here!


Hi Gardenjeannie, sorry if I've stuck some jokes in the wrong place, did have a read through first and they aren't all strictly gardening jokes, we all seem to wander  'off thread' occasionally! I'll remember next time   Can't find the Worst Jokes thread? X


Quite a few  threads have recently been removed by the powers that be MsB.They were obviously considered unappropriate due to their content. 

Here's one of my daughter's- on a gardening theme Jeannie!

What did the Lolla Rossas say to the carrot? 

Lettuce in...

Nice one fairy's daughter

What did the carrot say when asked a difficult question?   Nothing, he was "stumped" 

That was a purely spontaneous moment of brilliant humour that occurred over my cuppa. ,I'm still laughing at my amazing wit   It's the way I tell em

(not a joke but an can Open Reach be so-called?  They are an impossible company to reach, seem unable to liaise with anyone, and constantly fail meet their appointment dates.  They are frustratingly inefficient...after 9 months trying to get broadband connected for someone the work is still not completed .  Wonder if we should start naming and shaming!)


Get a life Garden jeannie'I dont think that women actavist should be on the site either. it's a gardening forum not a whinging site.

All jokes are allowed  As long as they are corny, silly and harmless.  I do agree .....I'm sure it was implied, no?, oh ok!.........that my own jokes are the best.  They do set a very high standard I believe 

Not a joke really but this morning I passed someone with a black umbrella.  It was just a guy with really, really big hair.  It was very funny.  Just what I needed enroute to the dentist for  a check up at 2.30????   Ha ha, no it was for 8 30.  


Well said Verdun  


Just to lighten things up a bit - not gardening but daft.

Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?.....................

He was a laughing stock!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?


Stupid I know!!


Why did the Head Gardener quit?..........his celery was,nt high enough !

What is a gardeners favourite book?.........War and Peas

Why did the gardener need a cork?..............his garden sprung a leek.

The old ones are the best




Why did the carrot look embarassed?

He had a pea up against a wall....

How do flowers keep up with the news? They read the Dahlia Mail.



I think I just thought of that one...

What do flowers drink  to keep healthy?   Acteamel?   Actea/actimel? 

(don't get this quality anywhere else )


FG. Trust you to lower the tone. Go stand in the corner.


Peter's is worse..

Actually - the Dahlia Mail would be a better paper anyway...

Verdun...thank goodness we don' of your worst!