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Come on folks.  This is a jokes thread.  Everybody welcome.  

Its jokes....even pathetic beano-type ones like mine....that lift our spirits 

 

KEF

Gardening Jokes.

Secret Squirrel

Just moved into a bungalow, it's OK, just one major flaw!

GillyL

Is that because when building a house and he ran out of bricks the Irish Builder decided to "bung a low roof on it?".

John Harding

Bert was walking aimlessly along the beach & kicks a bottle washed up on the shore. Noting the cork was still in it he was curious as to whether there was anything in it so pulled the cork out. There was a hiss & a puff of smoke and a genie suddenly appeared. "I've been corked up in that bottle for 2000 years he said: as a reward I'll grant you three wishes."

"Well I'm ever so thirsty," says Bert, "I could do with a bottle of beer right now!" Whoosh! a bottle of beer appeared in his hand as if by magic. He took a long hard pull on the bottle then looked at it carefully somewhat astonished - "I've just drunk about 2 pints from that bottle," he said, "yet it's still completely full!"

"That's right," said the genie, "you asked for a bottle of beer, not a half-full or nearly empty bottle - it will always be full for the rest of your life!"

"Well I never did," says the Bert, and after a bit of thought says, "Here! I've got 2 more wishes -  you did say 3 didn't you?"

"That's correct," said the genie - "right" says Bert - "I've have another 2 of them!"

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Dovefromabove

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.... wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad 

Dovefromabove

Save time in the summer - water your garden with brandy - it'll come up half cut! 

KEF

Dove

Clarington
Brumbull wrote (see)

A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night…

“Did you smell that food?” she asked… “Wonderful!”

Being the ‘Kind Hearted Yorkshireman’, he thought,

“What the heck, I’ll treat her!”

… So they walked past it again…

 

Ha ha ha!!

KEF

What do you get when you cross a grass cutter with a cow?

A lawn Moo..er

KEF

What do trees wear at the seaside ?

Swimming trunks.

KEF

Why is grass dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

KEF

What is a frog's favorite flower?

Croak us..

Woodgreen wonderboy

Keep them coming boys and girls.... just right for my gardening quiz next year

 

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Had to chuckle at those 

Not a joke folks but I thought it so funny.  A chimpanzee who could speak some words apparently said something like "it was him" pointing to a guy blaming him for some misdemeanour.

And Ed Balls maintaining those  high standards of our politicians by parking in a disabled bay.  The head of victim support going to Pakistan with a group of armed thugs to sort out a domestic dispute over there.  Aren't our "betters" wonderful?

Fairygirl

Man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out one ear, a parsnip out the other and a runner bean stuck up his nose.

'What's wrong with me doc?' he asked.

'Well.... it's obvious' said the doctor. 'You're not eating properly'

Busy-Lizzie

That wasn't nice "your say", this is meant to be a friendly forum.

Well said busy.  I think  we are all friends here 

But we do need a new influx of quality jokes like wot mine are.  

My old dad used to say if you smile the whole world smiles.  It's then a happier place.  I'm smiling now