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24/02/2014 at 19:13

Here's another one as above

Question   How do you delay milk turning sour?  Answer  Keep it in the cow!     The boy concerned got an A

24/02/2014 at 19:21

Hey Verdun. if you like those Anagrams I have quite a few, but not really gardening ones.

Try    SLOT MACHINES    --   CASH LOST IN ME.

Or     A DECIMAL POINT   --   I'M A DOT IN PLACE.

24/02/2014 at 19:59

Takes me back.....used to make up anagrams.  Brains frozen tho at mo.  

Any more out there? 

24/02/2014 at 22:26

All good. I'm thinking. May take a while----

Edd
25/02/2014 at 05:07

Not sure if this has been told before. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

I find the story better than the ending.

 

 

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.??????

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.??????

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there???????

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.??????

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.??????

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

??????GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay???????

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.?????? GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it???????

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

??????GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away???????

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

??????GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.??????

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast,they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.??????

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

??????ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.??????

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose???????

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

??????GOD: And where do they get this mulch???????

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.??????

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us t

25/02/2014 at 08:08

Like it Edd 

25/02/2014 at 10:23

SNOOZE ALARMS   -----------     ALAS   NO MORE Z'S

 

I don't use these now, and quite often wake up later than intended.

25/02/2014 at 10:31

Very good Edd

25/02/2014 at 10:42

Just a thought that isn't gardening related exactly, but quite pertinent to todays world!!

My son came home from school one day,

With a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

To put me in my place.

 

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

That's taught by Mr. Blites?

It's all about the laws today,

The "Children's Bill of Rights."

 

It says I need not clean my room,

Or even cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

Or do, or what to wear.

 

I have freedom from religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure don't have to pray.

 

I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Get tattooed from head to toes.

 

And if you ever spank me,

I'll lead you quite a dance,

I'll charge you with ill-treatment

And you don’t stand a chance.

 

Don't you ever touch me,

My body's for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

That's just more child abuse.

 

Don't preach about your morals,

Like your Mama did to you.

It's nothing more than mind control,

And that's illegal too!

 

Mom, I have these children's rights,

They’re given me by law

I can call out Welfare Services,

And you’ll be in trouble, sure

 

Of course my first instinct was

To toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach a lesson

Made me think a little more.

 

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

He's messing with a pro.

 

Next day I took him shopping

At the local Charity Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want,

There are shirts & pants galore.

 

I've called and checked with Welfare.

Who said they had no cares

If I bought you Woolworths shoes

Instead of those Nike Airs.

 

I've cancelled that appointment

To take your driver 's test.

Welfare is quite unconcerned

So I'll decide what 's best.

 

I said "No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own packed lunch.

 

Just save the raging appetite,

And wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

A favourite dish of mine".

 

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,

To watch on my VCR?"

"Sorry, I’ve sold your TV,

For new tyres on my car.

 

I also rented out your room,

You'll take the couch instead.

‘Cause Welfare says you only need

A roof over your head.

 

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

And I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

Will buy me something neat.

 

I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt bike and roller blades,

Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"

That’s in effect these days!"

 

This, of course, is not politically correct but I love it!!

 

25/02/2014 at 21:45
Ashleigh 2 wrote (see)

 What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
 A pink carnation.

Do they all wear a White Sports Coat too?

25/02/2014 at 21:50

Oh, here's another Anagram, but it might be a bit outdated now  -  even if very accurate!

I AM GORDON BROWN    --    MAD ON BORROWING.

26/02/2014 at 20:28

http://s4.gardenersworld.com/uploads/images/original/38376.jpg?width=486&height=350&mode=max

 

26/02/2014 at 22:15

Edd and Yewjay, Brilliant. Poor God, and the' parent's bill of rights' will be saved for when I start tearing my hair out! My eldest is 11 and getting quite a 'tache, just waiting for the attitude to go with it!

Ashleigh, is that all bamboo?

Love the anagreams too.

I only come here to read and laugh, can't think of anything to contribute

27/02/2014 at 18:54

Wow!!  Those vehicles are terrific!!   I expect they are fairly springy and resistant to being bashed too.    I don't know how they would go for insurance here though.

Pity!  It would be nice to include cars in "Grow your own"

05/03/2014 at 19:02

Do you know the difference between knowledge and wisdom gentle reader?

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

KEF
08/08/2014 at 10:49

Bumped up the joke thread that was mentioned last evening.

08/08/2014 at 11:22

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.

If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

KEF
08/08/2014 at 14:26

How do you stop moles digging in your garden?

Hide their spades.

08/08/2014 at 14:47

http://s4.gardenersworld.com/uploads/images/original/55807.gif?width=450&height=350&mode=max

 

08/08/2014 at 15:20

As it is my birthday, I'm going to try my Chicken joke again

2 Chickens are talking............one of them is reading a book "Cookery for Hens".

On the floor between them are 2 eggs set a couple of feet apart.

1st Chicken says " What's going on here then ?"

2nd Chicken ( the one with the book ) says " I'm making Meringues.  The recipe says separate 2 eggs ........it just doesn't say how far ! "

I couldn't stop laughing.............

As I wasn't around when this thread began, I'm still reading thru it but enjoying it tremendously

441 to 460 of 489 messages