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Gold1locks

A man went into his local shop and asked the sales assistant “Do you sell potato clocks”? 

“Potato clocks sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the sales assistant. 

“Well” came the explanation 

“I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock. 

Gardening Grandma

Thanks, Jess. I wouldn't have blamed you if there was!

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I had been tidying the leaves in the garden and left the rake on the grass in the classic "prongs up" position.

My wife came out with a cuppa and said, "Haha, very funny!" and stepped to the left.

As she fell through the leaves and twigs, fifteen feet into the man trap I'd prepared I couldn't help thinking she watches too much Tom and Jerry.

Spilledbore.  I totally believe that story.  

John Harding

Executive driving his Porsch 911 down a country lane comes up behind a tractor, pulls out to overtake when the tractor turns right into a gateway without any warning. Clouds of tyre smoke begin to disperse as the exec gets out of his car and rants at the farmer "What the 'ell do you think you're doing, haven't you ever learned to indicate?"

"But I always turns in yer" came the reply!

Ho ho ho

John Harding

Young man in a fast sports car came around a country bend at high speed only to be faced with a tractor & trailer that had just pulled out of a field into his path. With no time to stop or even slow down without hitting the tractor, the young man crashed through the hedge around the back of the trailer, back through the hedge and onto the road again and disappeared.

"Blige Bert", said the farmer to his lad beside him, "we only just got out of that field in time!"

Diddydoit

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal?

Diddydoit

I used to have a job making furniture out of plants.
I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.

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My chicken came back from the library with a little pamphlet in her beak. She dropped it down by the pond and clucked "Boooook book-book-book".

My frog hopped out from under a stone and looked grumpy. "Reddit" he croaked "reddit reddit".

Fairygirl

Peter- that's bad!!! 

GillyL

Why was the little strawberry so worried?

Because his Mummy and Daddy were in a jam

 

Fairygirl

Gilly -that's  even worse!