London (change)
Today 28°C / 18°C
Tomorrow 27°C / 17°C
101 to 120 of 455 messages
KEF
06/08/2013 at 21:33

Man goes to the doctors and says he has a strawberry stuck up his bottom. Doctor says don't worry I have some cream for that.

06/08/2013 at 21:47

Lol at all sitting here chuckling away lmao hubby tutting at my myrth! so here's my lame attempt 

 

What"s brown and sticky? ... A stick.  
06/08/2013 at 21:50

Stacey- that was one of my oldest nephew's favourites when he was little!

The other one was - what's blue and fluffy?

Blue fluff.....

KEF...

06/08/2013 at 21:51

Lovely thread. Thanks all for posting

06/08/2013 at 21:58

Why do potatoes make good detectives?  Because they keep their eyes peeled?    Ha ha ha ..love that one

What do you call it when worms take over the planet?  Global worming!   

Its the way I tell em.....wait. There's more

What did the caterpillar say when he saw the butterfly?  You won't get me up in one of those

.........ok!  I'll get my coat

06/08/2013 at 23:23

Cockerell to hen watching boy eat scrambled egg "There goes our crazy mixed up kid!"

06/08/2013 at 23:25

Are some of those not repets Verdun? Funny though!  This thread has made me laugh - thanks to all

06/08/2013 at 23:54

All my jokes are repeats 4th panda.  Just felt in a funny mood and let them out!  When I'm driving nobody can get out and I can just tell my jokes....usually puns......and the laughter is huge.......MY laughter of course

07/08/2013 at 00:58

two ladies were chatting over a garden fence and one says to the other,my husband bought me some flowers last night.the other woman replies why the sad face then.she come back with,he'll be exspecting me to keep my legs open all week.the woman replies ,why have'nt you got a vase.

KEF
07/08/2013 at 07:25

David smith3   That's  than mine

07/08/2013 at 07:34

DAvid I nearly choked on my toast....very naughty! 

KEF
07/08/2013 at 08:28

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

So can can hide in cherry trees and molest squirrels.

What's the worst sound a squirrel can hear?

Boing..Boing...

 

This last one was on an ice lolly stick and I nearly choked....not gardening but thought I ought to share

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because they'd look silly with six inches.

07/08/2013 at 08:33

Why did the gardener buy a detective book?

Beacause he wanted a good weed.

07/08/2013 at 08:50

My grandfather visited a pie factory and fell into an industrial meat mincer.

Now he is a ground elder.

07/08/2013 at 08:55

Lol they are getting cheesier...ok found this 

http://s4.gardenersworld.com/uploads/images/original/28927.jpg?width=340&height=279&mode=max

 Made me snigger 

07/08/2013 at 13:43

Sorry ladies for my last joke,i will promise to keep it clean in the future.Stacey that was terrible lol.Man, to Neighbour: ‘Can I borrow your lawnmower?’ Neighbour: ‘No, she’s not home yet.’

 

07/08/2013 at 13:45

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE,PLANT A MAN.

07/08/2013 at 13:47

Two gardeners have entered their potatoes in a vegetable show. One is declared the winner and swaggers over to boast of his success to the other gardener. ‘Not surprised I won, to be honest,’ he says. ‘I thought yours were looking a bit on the small side. ‘That’s true,’ says the other gardener. ‘Mind you, I grew them to fit my mouth, not yours.’

07/08/2013 at 13:49

What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole.

16/08/2013 at 21:29

Harry went to buy a horse. Previous owner was a bishop who had raised and trained the horse himself. "It's a very lively animal", he said, "but you need to know I never used the usual commands of 'Walk on' and 'Whoa' for start and stop. Being a bishop I trained him to respond to only 2 commands: to start him off just say 'Praise the Lord' and to stop say 'Amen' "

"OK" said Harry, "sounds very simple to me, I can cope with that alright" so he paid the bishop for the horse, mounted up, said "Praise the Lord" and set off along the sea cliffs close by. The horse being fairly lively began to canter towards the cliff edge. "Whoa" said Harry, - no response, "stop!" he shouted, beginning to panic thinking to himself "what was the word the bishop said to get the horse to stop" - for the life of him, in his increasing panic he couldn't remember the 'stop' command and the horse was rapidly approaching the edge of the cliff some 300 ft above the rocky shore.

"What was it? What was it? he thought in panic - then suddenly it came to him ... "AMEN" he shouted: 

The horse dug its hooves into the turf and came to a sudden stop just 3 feet from the cliff edge.

With a sigh of relief at his narrow escape Harry exclaimed: ………………..”PRAISE THE LORD!”

101 to 120 of 455 messages