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Two gardeners have entered their potatoes in a vegetable show. One is declared the winner and swaggers over to boast of his success to the other gardener. ‘Not surprised I won, to be honest,’ he says. ‘I thought yours were looking a bit on the small side. ‘That’s true,’ says the other gardener. ‘Mind you, I grew them to fit my mouth, not yours.’
What gets bigger the more you take away?A hole.
Harry went to buy a horse. Previous owner was a bishop who had raised and trained the horse himself. "It's a very lively animal", he said, "but you need to know I never used the usual commands of 'Walk on' and 'Whoa' for start and stop. Being a bishop I trained him to respond to only 2 commands: to start him off just say 'Praise the Lord' and to stop say 'Amen' " "OK" said Harry, "sounds very simple to me, I can cope with that alright" so he paid the bishop for the horse, mounted up, said "Praise the Lord" and set off along the sea cliffs close by. The horse being fairly lively began to canter towards the cliff edge. "Whoa" said Harry, - no response, "stop!" he shouted, beginning to panic thinking to himself "what was the word the bishop said to get the horse to stop" - for the life of him, in his increasing panic he couldn't remember the 'stop' command and the horse was rapidly approaching the edge of the cliff some 300 ft above the rocky shore. "What was it? What was it? he thought in panic - then suddenly it came to him ... "AMEN" he shouted: The horse dug its hooves into the turf and came to a sudden stop just 3 feet from the cliff edge. With a sigh of relief at his narrow escape Harry exclaimed: ………………..”PRAISE THE LORD!”
What did the bug say to,the dahlia? Earwiggo!
Why did the butterfly? Because it saw the cowslip.
These are all original never before told jokes
Why did the badger go to the chemist? To get some pills for badger-ache. Why did the weasel go to the chemist? To get some pills for weasel-ache. Why did the rabbit go to the chemist? To get some pills for rabbit-ache. Why did the fox no no no can't say that here.
Very like the one about the fox hat...
but I can't remember it...and I'm a ladeee
FG, don't know that one ...
From an old seaside postcard;
Daphne, over the garden fence, says to Flo next door, 'Well I sent my husband down the garden to fetch a cabbage; he went and fell over and died!'
'Oh my' says Flo, 'what did you do?'
'Well,' says Daphne, 'I had to open a tin of peas,'
Peter, we often get the foxes in about 5 to 6 on a friday night!!!!. usually with a request for something we havn't a hope in hell of getting before monday. " I took my last tablet this morning and I can't get a prescription because the doctors closed"
Oh for foxes ache
I'm going to buy a plant as a present for the best joke here. As I won I'm getting myself some more astrantias and heleniums. (it was a fair decision....nobody opposed me)
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos, they aaaarrrrrrr!
........ok, I'll get my coat
Shouldn't that be a parrot, verdun, not your coat
Verdun that joke was on the news this morning!!
Peter I genuinely can't remember the joke but it's something about a duchess, her husband, a hat and confusion about a place. The punchline is : 'wear the fox hat'. Sorry - that's all I can remember!
How do you make tomatos go red....talk dirty to them..whoops lol
I'm laughing again-
Had to re read the thread title.... thought I'd stumbled on rude jokes.
Fairy.. what is it about you that you only remember the punchline
he he you know it makes sense....or do we.....?
Fairy, Are you saying I pinched that joke.......I resemble that remark!
Cracked a few jokes at the foodbank today and they were so funny. I laughed at every one. Oh, and we had doughnuts there again but we now have a greedy volunteer who ate his so I only had one......it is a very selfish world!
Fairygirl: yes! I know that joke now, something like this:
Camilla and Charles arrive at the Gardener's World Live show to cut the ribbon and open the show. Camilla's hat is decorated with tails and ears. Charles says, "Why that headgear darling?". Camilla replies, 'When I told you we were coming to the NEC you said .... WEAR THE FOX HAT".
Fidgetbones, don't let the foxes get you down, they don't know any better. Wait until the Mummy badgers scan their babies on the self service tills then run off laughing. That winds me up, that winds me up...
Man in the supermarket went up to an assistant and asked if it was possible to buy half a cauliflower. "Er, no sorry sir." The man walks off down the aisle and disappears round the corner.
The assistant sees a colleague and says to him. "you'll never guess what some silly b.......... just asked me . They wanted to buy half a cauliflower!"
Just at that moment the customer reappears beside the assistant.
"Oh, and this gentleman wants to buy the other half"