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21/08/2013 at 22:25

Thinking of the Edinburgh festival at this time of year - this one was the favourite last year (I think)....

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?

21/08/2013 at 22:41

Last night I was checking out my plants for caterpiller tracks when the tank ran me over . . . .

 

22/08/2013 at 21:00

Daintiness - hah!   

Panda ... were they squash plants?

A tame spider once lived in my garden, in the eaves of the shed that overhung my potting table, quite a big fellow with long legs and a body like a pea. He liked to jump down to the table and look at me, so I taught him a few simple commands. 'Come' meant run towards me, 'Go' meant run away from me, 'Squat' was just that, if I said 'Play dead'  he would lie on his back, and 'Wiggle' was lie upside down waving his legs.

Sadly one day I walked ouside just as two young robins finished pecking off his legs; they flew off taking a leg each and poor old Spidey was left in a pile of the others, waving his pedipalps sadly.

I thought he needed cheering up so I said 'Come' in a friendly way; no response.

'Ok then, Go' I said. Not a sign of movement. 'Squat' - nothing. 'Play dead', 'Wiggle' - still no reaction. I guess spiders hear through their legs.

22/08/2013 at 21:04

That's just a web of lies Peter

24/08/2013 at 11:00

Like others on this forum, I have millet growing from birdseed. Mine ripened so I ate a few grains raw; they were hard and dry,

Later my mouth was hurting so I went to the dentist thinking some millet was lodged somewhere I couldn't reach.

The dentist took a look. "That's not millet" he said "it's just a sorghum". 

24/08/2013 at 14:06

And I bet you went af 2 30..........

KEF
24/08/2013 at 14:42

I've just remembered one from my youth.

Mary had a little Lamb, she kept it in a bucket,

Cos' everytime she took it out the dog would try to kiss it.

Soz Verd, guess I'm now disqualified. 

24/08/2013 at 17:01

Mummy Mummy can i lick the pan?

 

No pull the chain like everyone else!!

KEF
24/08/2013 at 17:08

Smokin  Old ones are the best.

Reminds me of one about native Indians on a train and little squaw fetching cold drinks for all. After many trips she returned one time with no water because big chief Sitting Bull was sitting on the well.

That must have been from the Beano. They were on their way to a garden centre..so it's a gardening joke Verd

24/08/2013 at 17:25

A man goes into a shop and asks the shopkeeper if they sell potatao clocks,

"a potato clock sir,what do you want that for"

Well I,m always late for work at nine,and my boss said I would be on time if I got up a potato clock.! 

 

24/08/2013 at 17:30

My jokes are all taken from the beano and The Times.......

 

24/08/2013 at 17:31

Does the Times have a better class of joke?

24/08/2013 at 17:48

They are classically timeless gilly

24/08/2013 at 21:32

Mummy mummy I hate my sisters gutts !!

 

Well push them to the side and eat the peas instead.

BUM,, BUM

10/09/2013 at 20:19

Straight from Buckingham Palace, it now turns out that Prince Andrew was picking plums when the police stopped him the other day. It seems that the Queen, God save her, loves her plum tarts. So, send her Victorias.

10/09/2013 at 22:26

Right, you lot. Just about had enough of this!  I burnt my bacon 'cos I couldn't stop reading (Just found this thread), Then choked on me butty.  So for that, here's a really bad one. It's meant to be sung in a really bad voice, but I don't know what the tune is called.

When I was a-walking with my brother Jim

Somebody threw a tomato at 'im

Now tomatoes are soft and they don't 'urt the skin

But this bug**r did, it was still in the tin!

 

Wait, there's more.

To market, to market, to buy a fat cow

To milk it, to milk it, she did not know how

So she pulled on it's Tail instead of it's T**

And poor little Lucy got covered in -----

(Chorus) 

 

Sorry I'l just get me 'at!

10/09/2013 at 22:54

Now that last one reminds me of songs we used to sing on long coach journeys.

***************

Lulu had a bicycle;
Its seat were mighty sharp,
An' every time she sat on it
It went right up 'er ... (interrupted by chorus)
Lulu had a boyfriend;
'is name were Tommy Tucker.
'e took 'er down the alleyway
To see if 'e could ... (interrupted by chorus)
I took her to the pictures;
We sat be'ind the stalls,
An' every time the lights wen' out
She grabbed me by the ... (interrupted by chorus)
Lulu 'ad two boyfriends;
They both were mighty rich,
One the son of a banker,
The other a son of a ... (interrupted by chorus)

***************

They say that in the Army,
The boots are mighty fine.
I asked for size eleven
And got an eight or nine.
Oh Lord, I wanna go,
But they won't let me go!
They say that in the Army
The booze is mighty fine.
I asked for a pint of lager.
They served me turpentine.
Oh Lord, I wanna go,
But they won't let me go!
They say that in the Army
The food is mighty fine.
A pea rolled off the table
And killed a mate of mine.
Oh Lord, I wanna go,
But they won't let me go!
They say that in the Army
The beds are mighty fine.
Well, how the **** would they know?
They haven't slept in mine!

10/09/2013 at 23:33

(Here's one from "the olden days")

There was this bobby on the beat (see what I mean by "olden days") who noticed a dodgy looking fellow wheeling a barrow up the road with a huge sack on it.

When he stopped him he insisted the fellow opened up the sack. "Certainly, officer," says the shifty fellow and he opens up the sack. Inside there's a load of straw.

"All paid for," said the shifty guy. The policeman checked this out and found it was true.

The next day he saw him again and again he was wheeling the wheelbarrow which held a huge sack, so the policeman made him open it up again. As before it was full of straw. The policeman have him an inquiring and 'suspicious policeman look'.
"'For me rabbits," explained the shifty guy.

This happened every day for two weeks - every time the policeman checked the sack it was full of straw.

It started to wear him down - he couldn't get out of his head the idea the shifty guy was up to something but he was blowed if he knew what.

In the end he stopped the shifty fellow once more and told him bluntly that he knew he was up to something and demanded he told him what it was.

He said he wouldn't charge him with anything but it was driving him crazy and he insisted on knowing why the shifty fellow was moving sacks of straw up the road every evening.

"You won't charge me with anything? says the shifty fellow.
"That's right," says the policeman.
"Promise?" says the shifty fellow.
"God's honour!" agrees the policeman.
"We'll... "
"Just tell me ," the policeman almost pleads.
The shifty fellow leans forward and whispers in the policeman's ear: "I'm knocking off wheelbarrows."

11/09/2013 at 08:12

Birdy

Why did the potatoes get divorced?.

.......beacuse they could,nt see eye to eye.

11/09/2013 at 20:51

Where do gardeners go for a few drinks?   The salad bar 

Why do potatoes make the best detectives?  Cos they keep their eyes peeled. 

 

Ok, ok, I'm trying to cheer up the sad tonight.....I'll get my coat 

141 to 160 of 476 messages