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emm go and have a look at the barking dog thread,just put up a new photo

You'll talk to me later will you? I've told you people will start talking!!!!

IIdont mind if you dont!!!!!


What is a sentence with the word ‘politics’ in it? My parrot swallowed an alarm clock and now poli-tics. 


Police have apprehended two children — the first was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other. 



I planted a bay tree in my front garden, can't wait till it grows it's first window....


As I walked through the garden today I tripped and landed in the herb section. Surprisingly, I broke all of my ribs along with some fingers and both wrists. I guess I must have fallen on hard thymes.


Oh, no. Don't know whether to carry on wetting myself or groan really badly. Thanks for starting this one, Diddy.

MsBeehaven, I REALLY think you should get your coat!!

Great to have daft threads like this, everyone needs a LAUGH now and again'

Did you hear that, Diddy, a LAUGH!!!

Only kidding, love 'em.

My eldest has been telling the one about the Irish horsemuck all day!


He did ask for bad jokes 

Don't think I;ve seen this one in the threads... it's bad, it's really bad

What's got one wheel and flies? A wheelbarrow full of sh*t.




I thought you liked me, you traitor,and as for you,msBeehaven,well im lost for words.see me after class.


GJ i know where your coming from "a laugh"




Paddy wins a load of money on the pools. He asks his mate Murphy if he fancies going on the piss in London with him.

Well they arrive in London at this huge hotel. They're put up on the 10th floor. Off they trot on the piss and get back to the hotel about 2 o'clock in the morning. Paddy decides he wants to go for a swim.

Murphy is a bit miffed and asks "where the bloody hell can you go swimming at this time"

Paddy says " We can go in the Thames in our skiddies (underpants)"

Paddy then looks out onto his balcony and sees it's been raining; looking down at the shimmering road he shouts to Murphy "Oi -- the Thames is down here -- look!!!"

At that Murphy rips his clothes off revealing his Y-fronts sprints onto the balcony and dives off. SPLAT!! Straight into the road below.

After about five minutes he manages to pick himself up and shouts up to Paddy who's about to dive off the balcony. "Move over to the left a bit, this is the shallow end 'ere!!!"



Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman 

One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. 
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. 

Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. 

Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. 

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT


Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"


A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. 

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." 

"You lying *******! 

You've been playing golf!" 


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. 

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. 

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" 


A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." 

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"