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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

What do you call a cow with no legs? 
Ground beef

How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon? 
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!

How does an idiot call for his dog? 
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist. 
You've certainly got the head for it.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." 
The horse says "Sure."

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's? 
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra? 
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 
Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? 
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? 
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!

Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


My wife told me that she wants me to make her feel like a “real woman” so I took my shirt off and said “Here you go, iron this”.


Msbeehaven! You don't fit here either!  This is for S&%$£" jokes! oh, you make me feel so inferior. Your jokes are just GOLD. I believe you need an upgrade all of your own  Verdun and Diddy (or whatever he calling himself now),conspicuous by absence on all threads for last few days. Out up, do you know?


  • What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
  • Pick a cod, any cod!
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
  • Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

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