Fork Handles - Page 910

Night Dean.

Hi newbies- keep forgetting. J.

The Middle clas ABC-where do you fit in?

A is for  .  .  .
Alessi: Their products are found throughout Middle Class homes. A perfect combination of design and fun (or irritating cuteness and uselessness, if you’re in a bad mood), they prove that  a shopper and his money  are soon parted.

B is for  .  .  .
Boutique hotels: It is no longer Middle Class to stay in a hotel; we should use only boutique hotels. There is no difference, apart from the price and the  fact that the bath is often  to be found in the middle of the room.

 C is for  .  .  .
Corduroy: Tweed, linen and corduroy: the Holey (if you wear them too much) Trinity of Middle Class fabrics. You can  tell from the clientele’s cord count if a pub is  safe to enter.

D is for  .  .  .
Design: There is a lot of uncomfortable designer furniture available. If your guests complain of bad backs, tell them the name of the designer and they’ll be so impressed they will quite forget their distress.

E is for  .  .  .
Ecomentalism: The Middle Class try to do their bit by eating leftovers, watching documentaries about polar bears and driving diesel cars, but if they truly want to save the planet  they know they should stop  having children, strap windmills to their chimneys and use bicycles. But then they wouldn’t feel Middle Class any more.

F is for  .  .  .Fun: The more a Middle Class person assures you something will be Fun, the more you know it probably won’t. ‘Let’s walk the seven peaks! Come on, it’ll be Fun!’ Fun is our rallying cry: ‘Look at my new hat, I thought it was rather Fun!’ ‘Oh yes! What Fun!’ (What you’re both actually saying is that it’s ghastly.)

G is for  .  .  .
Game Fair: Once a year all the animals that haven’t been shot are brought together to celebrate the fact. The Game Fair slogan is ‘Four legs good, 4x4s even better.’

Left, right, left: Although all the Middle Classers do it, getting the continental kissing greeting right is tough

H is for  .  .  .
Hoodies: if their hooded garments are either handknitted or made from cashmere, hoodies could be Middle Class. And if their flick-knives turn out to be Swiss Army penknives, they are definitely Middle Class.

I is for  .  .  .
India: Thanks to cricket and the TV adaptation of The Jewel In The Crown, India is held affectionately in Middle Class hearts. Few are brave enough to actually visit it, but we are now paying the ultimate Middle Class compliment: naming our offspring after it.

J is for  .  .  .
Jack Russells: The smallest of the Middle Class dogs and by far the most trouble. Most Middle Class owners acquire one only to make their children look better behaved.

Seal of approval: A pair of corduroys

K is for  .  .  . 
Knocking Through: One of the most important signs of being Middle Class, but the problem nowadays is that  the house you have just bought has already been Knocked Through.

PART 2

L is for  .  .  .
Labrador: The winner of the ‘Best in Middle Class’ category at every year’s Crufts.

M is for  .  .  .
My: The ultimate accolade the Middle Class can bestow on a tradesman, as in ‘my plumber’ or ‘my electrician’.

N is for  .  .  .
Nettle Soup: If your Middle Class credentials are ever questioned, a hearty panful of this soon silences doubters. Making it ticks  so many Middle Class boxes: it is weeding with a purpose, organic, and it involves foraging.

O is for  .  .  .Overdrafts: It’s what sets us apart from Americans, who love to talk about how much money they have. We like to talk about how much money we haven’t.

P is for  .  .  .
Parmesan: For years the Middle Class assumed it was some kind of exotic dust, a flamboyant sprinkle of which over a spag bol bestowed the finishing touch. Then someone went to Italy and discovered it was cheese. It was instantly rebranded Parmigiano, quadrupled in price and we had to grate it ourselves.

Q is for  .  .  .
Queuing (and Tutting): The Middle Class are good at both, but you can’t have a queue without a tut. You can, however, have a  tut without a queue.

R is for  .  .  .
Rosé: The Middle Class love a compromise, and as compromises go, Rosé is a cracker. It would have caught on sooner had it not come in dodgy-shaped bottles.

S is for  .  .  .
‘Sorry’: Elton John seems to think ‘Sorry’ is the hardest word. He’s clearly never played doubles or bumped trollies in Waitrose.

T is for  .  .  .
Tree Houses: These used to be knocked up in an afternoon by Dad with some old planks and about four cans of beer. These days they involve architects and need planning permission.

U is for  .  .  .
Underfloor Heating: It’s been around since 500 BC, but the Middle Class prefer to think it was invented about ten years ago.

V is for  .  .  .
Vacherin: The world’s whiffiest cheese comes in a round wooden box and is the ultimate Middle Class house present. Do not confuse it with La Vache Qui Rit, which is also a cheese that comes in a round box.

Wisteria: A must-have in the Middle Class garden

W is for  .  .  .
Wisteria: Having this on the front of your house is the best way of informing passing burglars that it is a Middle Class  home and is probably  stuffed with silver.

X is for  .  .  .
XXX (kisses): The Middle Class now greet one another with kisses. The Continentals make it look easy, but we never know which cheek to go for. Some use this as an excuse to go straight for the lips.

Y is for  .  .  .
‘You must  know . . .’: When Middle Class folk meet someone there is a moment of unease until we have discovered who we know in common.

Z is for  .  .  .
Zoopla: The Middle Class pour over this property website.

 None of the above.

Daughter just phoned at moment her flight is delayed by 45 mins, but doesn't show it on internet

Jo-following your christmas reminder hint I have put a sticky label on June for the seeds 

Hi Frigid Forkers--in fine form, I see. Some of you seem to be 12. What's next--poop and fart jokes?

Stuck in the fog here at the moment, but sun is forecast, so we can hope. The garden gate is still not fixed, but seeds are sorted and propogators filled with starting mix. Won't be planting til next month, but doing some germination tests on some old seeds.

I start them off on top of the fridge.

Igloo building is an art--it's done in a spiral, and the inward slope is very important. Of course, our neigbours to the south think most of us live in igloos--but not so--there are several hotels made of ice!

Geoff I thought your A - Z was fun.   But vacherin is a dessert with meringue, not cheese. Don't you mean camaembert? I find kissing rather confusing in England. When we moved here in 85 the English didn't kiss, but the French kissed people they know well and the men only family members or good friends. Now the English are always kissing whether they know each other or not. The French would think it a bit strange to kiss people they've only just been introduced to.

Still have snow here.

Another stir fry tonight as I have just found pak choi and an orange pepper in the fridge. Chicken, rice. OH likes rice.

I have abandoned all thoughts of defrosting freezer tomorrrow. Huge full tub of icecream, plus daughters' 'special' one, new! I shall have a root around in there though & start the chuck out/must use it senario. May 'blitz' the kitchen instead, long overdue, but depends on motivation & energy.

Bjay, thx again. That way one of us will remember. Have decided to suss out the dahlia tubers actually in a Parkers GC next week. Still time then to do an order e/w if not up to what I want. Since no real detour to go there after the hospital, why not?

Now do I want to do some ironing? J.

That must make things easier Glyn?

Just shown Jess her hat. She laughed at first. But then she actually flopped it on her head. Promised to get her a new one tomorrow.

Daughters flight now not due to arrive until 23.40. They may be taking off at time were supposed to arrive  May be a long night

That is a bugger Bjay-how far away is the airport from you?

Crisis averted then Becks-she might do all the washing in future to keep all her clothes one size

Liz have a wah wah kiss from me

I think I might change my name to 12yearoldpoopfarter

I'll be FrigidFlynny!!

Airport on a good run about an hour, but were going to give it longer tonight. She just phoned and they've been told B'rum currently shut. 

She was so apologetic -(sigh) - not her fault 

We know someone in Edinburgh who could rescue them feed them, but they are now checked in so that's the end of that Hey ho!

It has got a certain ring to it FrigidFlynny-don't think I'll keep it long

You wally!!! You do make me laugh!!

Just raising the standard above the gutter

Just got here and saw the last poster on this thread was 12yearoldpoopfarter - thought for a second it was someone new, but second guess - Geoff - was correct .  Will have to catch up now to see where that name came from!

Hope everyone is warm and well.

Oh my word - I thought I'd read that wrong Becks !

Can't wait to see your name appear on the forum, Geoff. You are nuts, !!

I'm not changing my name Jean!! I'm not as barmy as that old duffer!!