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Pat E

BAD PARROT 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Dachalover

.......may I ask what the turkey did ?   

....here's another wee one for you...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf 
balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Pat E

Poor blondes. They always get it.

Joyce21

Laughter to start the day 

Hostafan1

tee hee. 

Folk  in the Hotel Reception are looking at me oddly for tittering. 

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Pat E

Titter Away Hosta. It’s good for you. 

josusa47

What's long and sticky?     A stick.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?     DUNNGGG!!

Why can't you starve in the desert?     Because of the sandwiches there!  

(If you don't get that one, try reading it aloud)

Dachalover

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?"

The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Pat E

I love the ones that make me laugh out load Dacha. 

Local man playing golf with a vicar.

First hole the man hooks the ball off the tee and swears long and loud.  Vicar tuts to himself but keeps quiet.

Second hole the man slices into the rough and swears even more.  Vicar tuts out loud but still says nothing.

Third hole the ball goes straight but ends up in the deepest bunker on the course.  The air turns blue and the vicar has had enough.  He says to the man that if there is any more profanity the Lord will strike him down.  The man apologises and all is OK for a few more hole.

Then.....  Nice easy putt and the guy misses.  Every swear word known to man comed from his mouth, the sky goes black and and there is an enormous clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning hits.  There on the ground are the frazzled remains of the vicar.

A voice comes from the heavens ..... S*** missed again.

josusa47

Reminds me of the Queen fan who wanted Bohemian rhapsody played at his funeral.  They played it at the end as the mourners were filing out of the chapel.  The chap who'd provided the CD was a bit too slow going back in to retrieve it, and it had gone on to the next track. The mourners who'd started to come in for the next funeral weren't impressed to hear "Another one bites the dust."

Pat E

Hi Mike. I agree that it is one of the funniest ones I’ve heard. I’m still laughing every now and then and getting funny looks from Hubby. Glad you like it.

Pat E

Ha ha, Mike. Am I to assume by the time that you are posting, that you are also in Australia?

No Pat, Mike is here in Blighty.   He often posts late/early

Pat E

Ok Lilyp. I’ve not seen him before. Might have a Hosta sleep patterns.

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Pat E

You really are night owl, Mike.

Very funny funtastic laughs on this thread  

Thanks to you all  x

Last edited: 22 January 2018 13:50:35

Pat E

Glad you like them granma.  I hope we can keep the good laughs coming.

Pat E

We’re south of Canberra in one of the snowy mountains regions called The Monaro,  Mike.  Even though we get cold winters, it’s very hot at the moment - high 30s. I’ll be 78 in June, so snap!

Dachalover

Great pic Pat......here's another joke for you .....

So Mary and John have spent the last six months persuading Mary's old dad to go into a nursing home .

Her dad finally agrees and when he sees the place he is quite impressed , especially with his room which has a nice balcony overlooking a very beautiful garden. He is settling in nicely but decides he would like to have his mid day meal on the balcony . So he is enjoying his meal and he leans to his right and the nurse straightens him up.....a few moments later he leans to his left and the nurse straightens him up ......a few moments later he leans forward and once again the nurse straightens him up .....this goes on a few days and then Mary and John visit him.

So Mary asks "how are you settling in dad , do you like it?"

He replies "it's very nice dear , the place is great the room is wonderful  but........"

"but what ?" she says

"they won't let me fart on the balcony! "