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the tidy gardener

gosh Mike that does sound like your having a terrible time of it at the moment, i really feel for you,you must feel so helpless with everything that's going on.

i think the feelings of "is that it" etc. are feelings that surely must be entirely natural at such a frightening time, you are questioning life itself, the meaning of it.

Im reading a biography of Tolsoy by a.n. Wilson, (sounds hard going but its very interesting and picked it up for 50p from the book farm) and altho he has just written war and peace, he is married, secure, wealthy, he is driving himself mad with worries of "is this it" everything he does, he thinks is pointless,as we are all going to die at the end of it all,he constantly worries that he will kill himself,even writing about it in anna karenin.

so even the biggest writers have the same worries as you have today! surely a sign of an intelligent person such as yourself.

whether in good health or bad. i guess what im trying to say, is it must be normal for these feelings,and they will not simply go away, you must learn what will work for you,and recognise they are thoughts, but intrusive ones.

counselling could help, and im sure being in your garden will bring some calm.

i wish you well through this difficult time x


Hi Mike, I'm so sorry I'm late to this thread but lots of people have been giving great advice as I've read through. Sometimes there are no easy answers to situations we find ourselves in or the hand that life has dealt us.What you have been through recently Mike is massive,you have been told you have cancer and had it operated on before being reassured it has all been removed.

However,you have had a huge reminder of your own mortality and that is going to impact on you in a big way.After all,how can it possibly not? I won't pretend I know what its like to be diagnosed with cancer and I don't want to come across as someone who thinks they do. I just don't know how you feel in that respect.That said,if its anxiety you are feeling,which I suspect it is,then that is something I am very much familiar with.I've lived on and off with that for almost 29 years and its something I never really get used to.In bad times it can colour almost every facet of my life.The simple everyday things like going to the local supermarket can become huge tasks that scare the living daylights out of me.Panic attacks,depression,the lot.

During those years I've learned to live one day at a time and sometimes literally.I bury my head in the sand and write poetry or garden,the soothing rhythms of plants are my companion and I've come to love my alone time in the garden.Once again though,please don't think I'm claiming to understand your own situation.Only that I do understand fear and hopelessness. The Samaritans are a great idea and are there to listen to people whether they feel suicidal or not.I myself take anti-depressants which work for some people but others not,depending on many different life factors.

Please know Mike that we care and are here to listen,nobody can guarantee you peace of mind but we can certainly try to help you attain it.


Hi Mike, you say it's painful to walk. Is it 'jarring' your spine? If so, have you thought about stress relief inner soles for your shoes. I have arthritis in my spine and use them all the time. I buy them from arco, (when I can't get work to supply them). They have small gel cushions in the heal. I find they work wonders for me.


Hello Mike

Many apologies; I have only just read this thread and seen what you are going through.  I can only echo what everyone on here has said - you are entering a period of transition and adjustment, coping with distressing and bewildering symptoms that take away your sense of self and facing a number of future treatments, investigations and follow-up appointments that seem beyond your control. 

You took a very important and self-affirming step by sharing how you feel.  Well done, that is the first step to reclaiming yourself.  The second thing that you can do is get some help from people who know what is happening and how you may be feeling.  There are people out there who can help you.  Please have a look at these links: people who have had similar experiences to you will be able to help you.

Good luck.  Remember you do have a choice in all of this.  I know it can seem that you're on a conveyor belt, but trust me, all the Doctors and Nurses want to do is help you.  It's just they've got other people to help too, so it seems like no-one cares about you and what you want.  But you have the power to say no, if you choose to exercise it.  And you also have the power to say yes. 

Take care


Oh Mike, I had to laugh at your description of your planned encounter with 'David Attenborough' on the 31st July, I think that commentary would make you and me squirm. And you definitely have my sympathies on the blood tests, I hate them, hope I get to a point when I can watch the claret flow - although I guess we would both prefer never to have got to that stage.

Am glad you have being out in the garden.


Mike, don't worry about sounding crude if that's the best way to describe it. One simple way to find out if the gel inner soles will work is to try walking bare foot on a path, then on grass. If it is any better walking on the grass, then they may well help.

Whatever it is I hope it improves.

star gaze lily

Sorry Mike, just want to add my very best wishes to you,  take care and hugs x


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