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23/06/2014 at 23:17

Sorry to bore you with my problems, but then.  You fine folks have really come to my aid in the past.  Today I ventured out on my own for the second time.  Previously I had taken a slow walk around to the surgery.  The doc and I as has become the norm, exchanged pleasantries. I told him about the side effects of the antibiotics for my UTI.  Honestly. I felt like I was a zombie.  I must have suffered every known side effect.  Thankfully now.  I can have a wee withoutthat terrible feeling of someone dragging rose thorns through my willy.  Also the nightly visists to the bathroom have become less frequent.  So last Friday, taking a gentle stroll to the surgery. Hey ho.  I feel like I am walking on air.  Hey everything looks so strange. No. No.  Last night I only had my usual tipple. No Matron Mike is not P............................ed.  Yet the whole world seemed so strange.  Perhaps my friend Puncdoc can advise here.  Let'sback track. So Mike suddenly started to wee red..blood. GP  suspects a chill to the kidneys.so prescribes antibiotics. Three tabs later.  No more of the claret.  GP had also asked for a scan. and urology exam. Then everything took off high speed. Scan.  No Mike. You are not preganant.  There is a mass in your bladder, also a cyst on the left kidney.  Then today. I just had to get out.  Amanda was at the hospital for her own problems. So, Mike walks out.  A couple of hundred yards up yje road, and I met a sister from my bcongrgation. Hello Mike, how are you?  Telling her how I felt. Mike. Please go back home.  You shouldn't be out on your own. I ventujred forth.  Most of the time looking down at the paving stones.  People looked so strange.  I eventually made my purches and headed home.  Then I met with an elder and his wife from my congrgation.  Mike.  You should be at home.  By now all of this beginning to worry me. In brief.  OK. I had been diagnosed with bladder cancer.  At the end of some vey painful investigations I had an op.  I wa s assured that the cancer had been dug out and despite the bladder wall being perfororated all went well.  Then the painful ordeal of catheters and bags.  Then home.  Truthfully. How  do I feel.  Thankfully the tumour has been dealt with. The other bits and  bobs.  Painful yes, but now past thoughts.  My problem now is.  Why do I feel so strange?  Strange to the point of being afraid.  Suddenly my eyes are so painful.  Yes I am taking eye drops for the onset of glaucoma.  Then there is this feeling of being on another planet.  Everything seems to be out of proportion.  Honestly I just don't know.  For once in my life.  I am scared, frightened. Is this to be my future,  A short visit to the garden then back in doors.  Wait for daughter Amanda to take you shopping.. Please GOD.  Please dont let it all end like this.

23/06/2014 at 23:44
Mike, im new here, im afraid i dont know you very well, but i do understand how you feel very well indeed, its odd when life reminds you that you are infact, mortal.
What you feel is entirely normal and rational, what you do now is important, you have so much to give, a wealth of knowledge. Your body may not do your bidding as well as??you would like but you have a brain, from what i can tell, quite a good one, if you cant do things the way you used to, then find another way, make it work, seek out your friends and live, little by little you will feel better.
Best wishes x
24/06/2014 at 00:19

Mike. Sorry to hear that you have been feeling like that. It is just a thought but have are you still on any of the medication you were given after your operation? 

I only ask because I had the medication for my arthritis changed and I was fine for about 3 months, then I started to feel very strange. I couldn't remember how to do the most basic things. Simple things like how to make a cup of tea, I couldn't even remember where the bathroom was in my own house !! I mentioned it to my doctor, she took me off them and by the next day I felt marvellous.

Please mention how you feel to your doctor, it might be something as simple as that. I hope you feel better soon.

24/06/2014 at 01:13

Mike, I'm not too knowledgeable on these things but from a family member's experience your body may still be in the post op shock and fatigue stage which can cause dreadful sudden onset of tiredness, anxiety and induce confusion and fear of what used to be everyday situations and anxiety about the future.  And as Pauline 7 says, medicationns can cause any number of negative responses as we are all different and can respond in many different ways in terms of side effects which can come on suddenly or over a period of recuperation etc.  Also, the psychological impact of what you and your body have had to go through can't be minimised .  Shock of all kinds can set in afterwards, as can panic attacks which more people suffer from than would readily tell or even recognise.  An uncharacteristic lack of confidence can hit all of a sudden when the body and particularly the mind starts to realise what you've recently been through and sometimes no amount of reassurance from others can make us feel as if we are in any way better.  Thinking and thinking it all through again is a hard part of the process of things having changed and feeling a lack of control over our lives which we felt we had before and which is part of our individual make-up.  Sometimes our body lets us know that it's had a hard time and it kicks in via the mind to remind us that we need a bit more time to heal physically and psychological before we have the strength and things back together again to fight on and gain confidence.

Don't keep any worries to yourself.  A problem shared can often be solved and give us the reassurance we need to go forward and know that we are not alone in what can be a scary time.  Speak to family, friends and especially your GP.  Don't try to cope on your own.  Sometimes reassurance from one person can make things clearer and solve some issues which we are unable to cope with ourselves.  There is no weakness in this - sometimes a word from the right direction is all it takes to build strength and the impetus to give ourselves a boost when we need it.  Friends know this but can be hesitant to intrude.  And friends sometimes would like to be needed at such times but need a signal that they can be allowed in.

Maybe you should also check with your doc that you are free of another urine infection.  They can turn us into nervous confused and extremely anxious individuals very quickly - as you may know already.  Have had experience of that.

Don't keep any worries to yourself.  x

 

 

 

24/06/2014 at 08:17

I missed your post last night Mike, sorry.  It may be withdrawal symptoms from hugs, so sending lots ((((hugs)))).

Seriously though, it must be hard trying to take it easy when your really don't want to, but you have to do was you are told and give your body the best chance if recovering. Antibiotics can make your head fuzzy, as can painkillers (I don't know what you're taking?). I remember once I fell and hurt by back and the doc gave me painkillers, I couldn't walk after taking them for about an hour, they just knocked me out, maybe it's something like that.

Another thought, are you eating and drinking properly?  It may be something as simple as being dehydrated or undernourished and therefore lacking energy.  I don't know?? I'm not an expert so these are just thoughts.

Please take care of yourself and we are always here,but you know that now.  More hugs (((hugs))) Tracey xx

24/06/2014 at 08:51

Read your post with empathy mike.

Fear is with us all.  To get scared after your operation seems a normal reaction.  My young sister had feelings of being frightened after her cancer treatment.  My own mum  has feelings of fear and confusion following a recent stroke.  I think the mind over reacts to such traumas.....they are new experiences that are hard to understand. Panic attacks.......never knew what they were until I saw my sister suffer from them......and the like create huge problems.

Mike, I think it's good you have this platform to "talk".  People dont talk....or LISTEN......enough yet talking is such a great therapy.

You will be just fine Mike.  Look forward to your threads....they are often quite unusual but always thought provoking 

 

24/06/2014 at 09:30

Mike. (I hope you're sitting comfortably - this'll be a long post!!)

There are many things that could be making you feel like this; medication, a virus that's festering just under the surface, or - as happens to many of us - your emotions reacting perfectly normally to everything that has happened to you. You've realised you're not super human, I know it amazes us all but you've every right to feel afraid. You're an educated man you know exactly what COULD happen to you. You know to fear pain because it could mean problems. We would all expect these thoughts - even unknowingly - to be wandering around your head in the background festering, because truth be told we'd be worried if they weren't.

Yes bad stuff has happened. And it will take time for you to move on from this. Life is going to be very weird for a while.

I need you to call your doctor today - tell him how your feeling, all of it, even things you might not think worth troubling him with (they can often find clues in the strangest of places). He can then run tests if he thinks them necessary.

Also. I need you to remember that your muscles will have wasted a little while you were at home resting. Believe me it really doesn't take very long for muscles to get weak. I was hospitalised as a teenager for less than a week pretty much bed bound the entire time and even if I wanted to walk I could only do a few laps of the ward before I was tucked back into bed because I was "disturbing the other patients". Before that I was cycling at least 20 miles a day, on my feet all day at work, and walking the neighbours dog 10 miles in the evening - super fit and full of that cockiness only a teenage girl who drove a tractor before a car can have.

HOWEVER.

Even a month later I was still struggling to walk the neighbours dog just a few miles without having to stop for rests or have a nap to recover afterwards - I couldn't even get my bike out of the village as there was a steep hill that near killed me! I don't think I returned to full fitness for at least six months. And yes, it scared me, really scared me, especially when I found myself exhausted and needing to rest for three days just because I'd gone to the cinema with friends the night before.

But you know what really threw me? My BRAIN IS A MUSCLE TOO. And after weeks of being sat at home "recovering" relying entirely on my mother and my collection of books to feed and entertain me, having my routine dictated by hospital appointments, alarms to take drugs, not really seeing anyone, my brain had gone into a partial shut down. Coping with the outside world was now a challenge, when the woman at the counter asked me a question I had to REALLY think about an answer rather than just accepting what I was given, the idea of coping with cash horrified me it simply was too much for me to comprehend. I can remember thinking about how bright the outside world was - so garish and nasty as though everything was over saturated.

SO

Even if the doctor signs you off as absolutely fine don't expect to be able to do quite as much as you used too. Not just yet. You need to build up yourself over time, set yourself little goals of very slowly getting back into your own routine baby stepping all the way. Remind yourself of what you used to do - groups you used to go to, be them gardening, Church, or simply visiting the museum for tea and cake.

 

Mentioning Church - does your group have a counselling service? I was very much helped by my local C of E Churches counselling group after my accident. They were all volunteers from all areas of life who went on a training course. They didn't mind if you were there because you'd been referred by your GP because you were having issues with alcohol or drugs, or whether you were just lost and afraid.
They were awesome. They did

24/06/2014 at 09:45

Mike, I am sorry that this will be a very brief "medical " opinion as I am about to drive down to visit poorly mother. The absolutely most common cause of your current feelings is the UTI itself. See your GP, but it should start to improve with the antibiotics.

Get well soon.

24/06/2014 at 12:07

Can't add anything to the excellent advice given above, Mike, but I do wish you well!

http://s4.gardenersworld.com/uploads/images/original/50593.jpg?width=263&height=350&mode=max

 

24/06/2014 at 13:01

Ha ha, love it Sue 

25/06/2014 at 22:50

Hi Punkdoc.

 

Yes the antibiotics have worked.  I am scheduled for a pre admission assesment on the 30th.  It is only a month ago that I went through all of this.  What a waste of time etc.  Then 31July I am in fo a rigid cystocpotomy.  Thanfully I will be out to the world.  Then according to my consultant, I will be on a ten year program od scans and flexi cystoscopes.  To be honest.. Here I am just short of seventy five.  Time and again I am being told. Your cancer is not a kiler.  That as one gets older.  Many of these health problems take so long to develop etc.  Onto my possible being a victim of Hemochromatosis. Even this probably I might die with, but not due to.  So Mike has the ace card.  Even my daughter Amanda who has a medical degree.  She says.  Dad.  The choice is yours.  Whatever you decide.  I will support you.  To be honest friends.  Yes, I am a religious man.  I am also a horticulturist and  a scientist. I love life and value it  so dearly.  However. The ongoing gamble today.  Forgive me.  I want out.

25/06/2014 at 23:22

Painful post Mike.

Just wish you peace of mind and to say hang in there.  

26/06/2014 at 00:14

There  are no pills for a broken heart Mike. Give yourself time to get over the shock of the op and see how you feel. If necessary talk to the Samaritans.

Edd
26/06/2014 at 00:27

Sod the Samaritans pansyface!!!

Mike is not suicidal yet. Though, i think he might be after this post. What next shave his beard off!!! 

He knows where we are when and if  he needs us. He also knows we are thinking of him all the time. 

Nice thought pansyface shame about the ending.

( was i too blunt again?)

Regards

Edd.

26/06/2014 at 00:32

I can't put into words what I want to say, but I am thinking of you and what you are going through.

26/06/2014 at 06:57

The Samaritans are there for people to talk to when they need to talk. That is all. Just another person to speak to. Nothing more.

26/06/2014 at 07:44

Mike, can someone from your congregation borrow a wheelchair, and take you around Kew gardens for an hour or two.? It will be too much for you to walk, but staying in and staring at 4 walls drives me crackers. Too much time to think.  Check with your doc about changing antibiotics if these are giving you side effects. There is usually an alternative.

26/06/2014 at 08:09

Or what about hiring a mobility scooter until you're feeling stronger - Pa loved his - it was British Racing Green.  

http://www.mobilityhire.com/ 

He had dreaded giving up his driving licence but his eyesight meant that he had to - but he said a mobility scooter brought him so much pleasure as he could stop and talk to people, which he couldn't do when he was driving a car.  

 

26/06/2014 at 08:13

Am sure Mike will have the resolve to deal with his situation......cheers Mike 

Just a word about the Samaritans. Having been a Samaritan for a few years I know how much good they do ,how they have helped callers and how important it is to talk.  A call to the Samaritans can often be a life saver.  Many, many people simply do not have anyone to talk to and talking is so important. 

(I have great admiration for those Samaritans who continue year after year.....I did it for 3 years or so but it can be very draining)

26/06/2014 at 08:14

I don't know what to say Mike.  I read your post last night and just couldn't think of anything that could say to make you feel better, a bit like Pauline it was in my head but I couldn't get it out. My heart goes out to you and really I just want you to know that we are all here for you, sending huge hugs and hoping they can help just a little.

Edd, I do think that was a bit harsh sorry.  Pansyface was just trying to help and the Samaritans  are there to help people and talk things through, not just for the suicidal.  Sometimes just talking to someone can help.

That's a good idea fidget, if only I lived nearer I would take you out Mike......it might be like being in a rally but at least you'd be out 

Try to keep a smile somewhere in your pocket Mike and remember we are here xx

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