Posted: 24/06/2014 at 09:30
Mike. (I hope you're sitting comfortably - this'll be a long post!!)
There are many things that could be making you feel like this; medication, a virus that's festering just under the surface, or - as happens to many of us - your emotions reacting perfectly normally to everything that has happened to you. You've realised you're not super human, I know it amazes us all but you've every right to feel afraid. You're an educated man you know exactly what COULD happen to you. You know to fear pain because it could mean problems. We would all expect these thoughts - even unknowingly - to be wandering around your head in the background festering, because truth be told we'd be worried if they weren't.
Yes bad stuff has happened. And it will take time for you to move on from this. Life is going to be very weird for a while.
I need you to call your doctor today - tell him how your feeling, all of it, even things you might not think worth troubling him with (they can often find clues in the strangest of places). He can then run tests if he thinks them necessary.
Also. I need you to remember that your muscles will have wasted a little while you were at home resting. Believe me it really doesn't take very long for muscles to get weak. I was hospitalised as a teenager for less than a week pretty much bed bound the entire time and even if I wanted to walk I could only do a few laps of the ward before I was tucked back into bed because I was "disturbing the other patients". Before that I was cycling at least 20 miles a day, on my feet all day at work, and walking the neighbours dog 10 miles in the evening - super fit and full of that cockiness only a teenage girl who drove a tractor before a car can have.
Even a month later I was still struggling to walk the neighbours dog just a few miles without having to stop for rests or have a nap to recover afterwards - I couldn't even get my bike out of the village as there was a steep hill that near killed me! I don't think I returned to full fitness for at least six months. And yes, it scared me, really scared me, especially when I found myself exhausted and needing to rest for three days just because I'd gone to the cinema with friends the night before.
But you know what really threw me? My BRAIN IS A MUSCLE TOO. And after weeks of being sat at home "recovering" relying entirely on my mother and my collection of books to feed and entertain me, having my routine dictated by hospital appointments, alarms to take drugs, not really seeing anyone, my brain had gone into a partial shut down. Coping with the outside world was now a challenge, when the woman at the counter asked me a question I had to REALLY think about an answer rather than just accepting what I was given, the idea of coping with cash horrified me it simply was too much for me to comprehend. I can remember thinking about how bright the outside world was - so garish and nasty as though everything was over saturated.
Even if the doctor signs you off as absolutely fine don't expect to be able to do quite as much as you used too. Not just yet. You need to build up yourself over time, set yourself little goals of very slowly getting back into your own routine baby stepping all the way. Remind yourself of what you used to do - groups you used to go to, be them gardening, Church, or simply visiting the museum for tea and cake.
Mentioning Church - does your group have a counselling service? I was very much helped by my local C of E Churches counselling group after my accident. They were all volunteers from all areas of life who went on a training course. They didn't mind if you were there because you'd been referred by your GP because you were having issues with alcohol or drugs, or whether you were just lost and afraid.
They were awesome. They did