Posted: 15/07/2015 at 23:48
I have a 'hose problem'! Our house has very old taps which are a shape for which in the last 5 years I haven't been able to find online or offline any connector which works for longer than ten minutes before it blasts off from the tap and soaks the bathroom. We can't have an outdoor tap, old building, conservation area...blah blah...can't attach anything outside the building.
Each spring I come up with some DIY solution and the latest has been to use one of those old rubber bits which fit onto a tap for the old type of hair washing sprays. However, when you turn the tap on full, the thing comes flying off. I have to keep it on the tap using a combination of insulating tape (to hold the rubber hairspray thing connected into the hose) and garden wire to wind tightly around the tap. I then have to stand on the loo seat to feed the hose out of the bathroom window which has a ten foot drop set of stone steps immediately underneath. Before I turn the tap on, I have to dash outside, pull the hose up the steps through the iron fence to the level of the garden and hunky dory - I can hose the garden.
Every single time I turn the tap on full, I dash out there, start hosing - and I ALWAYS forget that the connector at the garden end which adjusts the type of spray doesn't work properly. I end up practically unearthing plants with the blast from it, then the end comes off, then it regulates itself for a while and then blasts all over the place again...
...and for some reason, which defies logic, I don't drag myself along to the DIY centre and just buy something a new spray section for the garden end - or just get my tap changed! Every winter, I tell myself that in the spring I will do it - then spring comes and I go through the same silly farce again. Gave myself a nice black eye once fiddling with it - and I STILL 'make it do' through to autumn each year.
Bonkers - but it entertains any onlookers judging from the male sniggering somewhere beyond the fence!
However, my classic entertainment piece was some years ago when I decided to test my OH's new electric wheelchair down the new ramp into the garden. I decided to do it 7am when there would be no-one about - just in case the new chair didn't work and I had to manually try and push the humungously heavy thing back up the ramp into the house. I had made a new flower bed about three yards from the foot of the ramp. The chair being new, I was unprepared for the speed settings. I sat in it to recce the situation as if I was my OH. Took off at full speed down the ramp straight into the flower bed when the chair tipped on its side and took me with it. So there I was, lolling around under 17 stone of metalwork and wheels in my new flower bed. And...as bad luck would have it - neighbours were up looking down from surrounding windows laughing their heads off - as in fact was I. Partly with relief hysteria that I wasn't sorely trapped - and partly because it was just hysterically funny to be there at 7am in such a ridiculous place. What I thought most interesting was, whilst the audience was much amused - there were no chivalrous onlookers rushing to my aid to get the blasted thing out of the flower bed, clean it up - and reassure the OH that 'it travels well'!! When relating the tale to family a few days later - I soon realised that the priority concern seemed to be 'oh Lord! I hope the neighbours didn't see you' - as opposed to 'Did you hurt yourself?'. Funny! Had to re-do the flower bed - but it was worth it!